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Monday, March 14th, 2011

Time:9:45 am.
So this is where it starts.

I haven't had a drink or a smoke in 6 days. I feel great. I also ran 10K on Saturday and looking forward to starting training again for some 5K races, a late summer half-mara and the big Chicago Marathon in October.

But I feel it building. Addiction is regrouping and getting ready to attack.

See, and I know this goes beyond hope. Because the instant I "hope" I can push through, then I've failed. I have to "know" I can do it. Hope is an opinion. It's like a wish. "I wish I had a PS3" or "I hope we can go on Vacation this summer". Hope is an expression of something you'd like but may or may not do.

Whereas a decision...a decision is binding. "I am doing this.". "I am going to California this year.". It's not an opinion or a belief. It's a fact. I learned the difference from reading Tony Robbins a few years back and that's one of those things I've never forgotten...to take decisions seriously becuase if it's really a decision, then there's no going back.
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Monday, February 14th, 2011

Time:3:04 am.
Laying in bed...

Cant see straight...

I have to sober up or I'm going to die this way.
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Time:2:00 pm.
I'm bummed because I know I'm going to drink again tonight. I just hope my wife doesn't drink the bottle down too far or else I'll have to go buy more.

She just sent me a text message saying she misses how much the three of us used to do together when Isa was younger and we were sober more often. I agree. It seems the booze ruins everything now; we wake up in horrible moods, spend all day jonesing, start drinking around dinner and pray that Isabel will go to sleep so we can drink uninterrupted until we can't keep our eyes open.

I'm so sorry, Isabel.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

Subject:Paging Nikki Sixx...are you there?
Time:9:08 pm.
I think I've found a new way to use this.

I first thought to read "The Heroin Diaries" when I was trying to find some sort of support for addiction. At first I thought that my excess was kinda like a rock star; drinking every day...more than anyone I knew. My wife and I could easily clear 1.75 Liters in an evening.

And so I thought...who were the craziest fucking rock stars I knew? Of course the answer would be the Crue. So then I thought back to when they did that "Behind the Music" thing on VH1 all those years back and Nikki Sixx, the songwriter/bass player/junkie (maybe ex at the time) was easily the smartest. So I looked him up on Amazon and sure enough he had written a book containing his chronicles of Rock Bottom and what it took (or continues to take) to get out of it. So that's where I started.

I figured I would use it...his downs and ups that I could relate to...to get off this shit.

I'm an alcoholic, world. I can quit for a week at a time maybe...but after that I'm always looking for excuses. Maybe just a beer. That won't kill anyone. Of course that turns into two, which turns into six, which leads back to me racing to Zimmer's by 9 so I can get a bottle. I'm a complete slave to the shit.

Even now as I write this I'm nursing an old Mason Jar full of 7-Up and, what...Appleton White Rum I think. Mixers don't matter anymore...anything to keep the party going. Drink too much too fast and it ends early, so you cut it with sugary shit.

My friend Bekah once lamented over a lightweight ordering a Vodka and Coke in a bar...like it was the 'uncool' thing to do. I laughed but in my head I thought "so the fuck what? I've done that and worse".

So I think I might follow Nikki's lead and start documenting this hell. I do all that I can to stop, yet I can't. I bait myself; set myself up for failure. Just a week ago I felt on top of the world...and that was just enough to get me to say "Okay...sober is fabulous...what's one beer going to hurt?"

Tina and I promised Isabel a vacation this summer. God knows how we're going to be able to afford it...we're going to drink every cent by then.

I'm going to go back to reading now. Maybe watch a movie. Have a cigarette and another drink.

And in the morning I'll say "no more", but I know it's empty. I'll be looking for the bottle by 7...and if it's not there I'll buy another.

So perhaps someday I'll read this and say "wow, I was fucked". Or someone else will say "man, he was fucked". Or even worse, someone will be reading this looking for shit to put into my obituary. Every post before this one is whiny; most of them alcohol fueled. This one too. I can't imagine they'll find much anyone wants to hear.
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Saturday, August 8th, 2009

Subject:The Dance
Time:12:22 pm.
Did you ever get that feeling where someone puts you into the worst of moods...and then they turn around and go have fun and all you want to do is throttle them? It's like they're adding insult to injury?

This is what happened last night between myself and Tina, my sole employee (read wife). We were discussing which became arguing and just when I was raging enough to start fighting, she turns and goes dancing.

Watching her interact with my friends, laughing, playing smiling and dancing, god, I was seeing red.

And I know it was nothing. Watching her dance salsa with some dude didn't even bother me as I could really care less who she's dancing with or laughing with or fucking or whatever. What bugged the shit out of me was that she left me high and dry in a swamp of muck and turned off any emotion she had invested in our conversation. It's as if none of it even mattered. It got to a point where she said "okay, this is fucking stupid. I'm done" and walked away.

It would've been stupid as a fight, yes, but as a discussion it wasn't stupid at all. It was pertinent. It was relevant. It needed to be said. And it got replaced by bumping and mother-fucking grinding.

I think the one thing we hate more than someone who refuses to join us in our misery is someone who sees our misery and actively walks away...and doesn't care if we watch or not.

She just needs to be gone. Regardless of who's fault any of this is, it needs to be over.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Subject:Return of the Rem
Time:12:08 am.
I think it was somewhere in the middle of the video...the 35 year old ripped male, hereforward referred to as the 'student' was standing, pounding a mid 30's obviously modified fake'n'bake cumwhore hereforward referred to as 'teacher'.

A bright and shining star of an editor somewhere in a smoky Los Angeles apartment cut the scene straight to a cowgirl shot on top of the 'teacher's desk' where, as the 'student' thrust himself up into the 'teacher' with the most reckless of abandon, the teacher loudly screamed "Fuck me like it's Extra Credit!"

I think that's when I realized that I was wasting a bit too much time doing nothing with my weeknights but drinking, surfing bad porn and thinking about what I *could* be doing with my time to make things better. And so instead of getting up and doing something productive, I thought I'd come back here. I've always enjoyed writing and who knows, perhaps I'm slowly discovering a new medium for me.

Hi everyone. I'm Jeremy. If you're reading this, then chances are we've met. If we haven't and you just stumbled upon this, you've managed to trip over the threshold into a room occupied by me; a 33 year old alcoholic sweating under a hot laptop...a plastic cup holding something resembling sterno mixed with Coca-Cola sitting to my left...a pair of headphones blasting Suicide Commando into my head because I'm half-heartedly seeking a more positive space than this.

A little about me. I've got this job, they call it IT Project Manager. I call it "look busy, someone's coming". Seriously. I *might* work a quarter of my day, and instead of spending the other three quarters at home being personally productive (thus making me a happy worker during the 25% I give) I'm expected to sit and stare at a screen. This may increase to 50% however, as my counterpart has recently been diagnosed with a wicked case of dying.

I also have this wife. Her name is Tina. If I take myself from one of my childhood nightmares and then imagine what the nightmares of that kid would be, Tina comes close to being the antagonist. Keep in mind, my assessment of her presence in my life is totally subjective; your mileage will obviously vary. But I know what she is to me, and that's not good.

And then there's Isa...my 8 year old. I love her so much; everyday I regret being responsible for her life and I do it completely out of sympathy.

I live in Wisconsin. Madison. A small conglomeration of buildings and attitudes in the center of an enormous farm field...one third of the year an enormous snow pile. That's when it's really nice here. The rest of the time it's okay...you learn to miss the bustle but simultaneously appreciate the isolation. Unfortunately, there are still quite a few Bush votes in this town, and their attempts to speak coherently are akin to noise pollution.

I ride my bike, I ski and I LOVE horror films. There's something about a person's ability to strike fear into the heart of another via a medium intended to entertain. How ironic it is.

I also for some reason catch myself crushing on people that wear vanilla and/or patchouli. Fuckin' patchouli? Am I still in High School?

I'm wondering if the content of this mail is dripping enough to draw my lurker out of hiding. I miss her.

I just heard "Bohemia" by Mae Moore and it pulled me back about 16 years. I remember hearing that song in the car when things were good; when I had my friends, myself and nothing in between. No children. No spousal filters. No need to be anything but myself.

I now spend my days in varying degrees of masquerade. I only feel free to be myself when I meet someone much like me, and even then that lasts for a mere moment.

And so here I am, back to filtered, muddled and utterly wasted Me with a capitol M. I want to love Me. I try...and then I take another look at the carnage I've left in my wake and wonder how I'll ever forgive myself for the mess I've made of not only my life but the lives of others.

So I know that I sit here now saying I'm going to return to livejournal. That facebook is stupid and social networking is a step in the wrong direction. But chances are I won't come back here for another 6 months or so. I haven't the discipline where I should.

Much much love to all of you who come across this. Don't ever consider a word I say a cry for help...if I were to cry for anything, it would be for anyone to zig instead of zag and not follow the path I've tread. If I can talk someone off my trail, I'll have done something good with my life.

Unfortunately we continue to live lives that doom us to these perpetual fights against unhappiness; as if happiness were the natural way of things and unhappiness was some intruder.

I hate to say it, everyone, but in my experience it's seriously the other way around.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Time:12:11 am.
....the past week has been one of the worst weeks ever. Not that a ton of bad things have happened to me from external sources...

...no, this comes from within. A monster that I'm woefully unprepared to fight.

I'm trying though. I'm trying real hard.

LOL..."I'm trying, Ringo."
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Subject:standing at a glenn danzig concert
Time:9:07 pm.
no poetry could truly describe
how bad this concert is.

sounds like someone taking a shit
and im pretty sure it's his.

god damn the man looks like ron jeremy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

Subject:....a bit more than a smile
Time:1:05 am.
I really wanna write about New York...

...about Susana

...about Little Italy

...about Brooklyn

...about "4 Adults Only"

...but nothing is flowing on it's own, and that's just not the way to do it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Subject:chicago but bigger...
Time:11:45 pm.
...still, all of the most pivotal moments in the past year have happened in HUGE cities.

...first absinthe in new orleans
...the silence and introspective nature of my lovely chicago
...and now, im laying in my hotel bed on 34th and 8th in midtown Manhattan, the Empire State Building just out my window; the obelisk-like icon of my childhood dreams.

this is a gorgeous city, an uncompromising city, a place that doesnt let you say stop because it'll roll right over you.

here u get a sense of your limits. here u get a sense of how granular a part of humanity we really are. here community really feels like *something*.

here youre compelled to identify and reach out to who and what's really important, because this city tells me that that's all there really is.

everything else is mind-numbing filler.

...so says the lady herself, new york city.
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

Time:9:59 am.
Mood: nervous.

against a pale blue sky
the cold and impersonal
of medicines miracle
invades your body
and I should be there

but I'm not

against a choking sky
the clap of leather
screams and laughter
pain and tears
and I should be there

but I'm not

against a cloudy sky
the joy of a smile
the smoke and mirrors
of technology
the backdrop to the stage
where we laid our scene
and how I wish I could be there

but I can't

against a black sky
the advantage taken
by you
and of you
my vision from a distance
blurry and skewed
by a lack of communication
but I could feel you

I still can

against my sky
watching you grow
while I grow
my breath of pride
my thoughts of grace under pressure
yet my heart still holds you
in an empty cavern
where it's just you and me
and nothing else matters


if you need it
take it from me.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

Time:10:27 am.
upon steam
upon velvet smoothness

the sweetness of your touch
the energy I take
the darkness in your wake
to be replaced
by nothing

I am your slave
I can be your love
I can be your tool
I can be your weapon
you need only ask

if only you could speak
oh the things
I'd love to hear
the reason you exist
the joy it must bring
to be so many things
to so many souls.

I love you, Coffee.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

Subject:In response to a friend...
Time:1:22 am.
...who didn't appreciate being called 'dude'.

"...you know in some cultures dude is referred to as the male of the donkey group and yet in others dude is referred to as a friend, as in 'buddy' or 'hey'.

Also, in some of the more low income areas, dude is used as the past tense conjugation of the verb do, as in "hey, laShondrae...go do that"....to which LaShondrae answers "I dude that already".

I'm an asshole.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Subject:The silent city
Time:10:03 am.
The silent city

445 am
silent streets
vision fogged
with dunkin donuts
and sleep in a park

still have my wallet
still have my identity
still in possession
of what matters

faded to happiness
faded to intoxication
which faded to
your transportation
back out of my world
as quickly as you entered

I do believe I'm going to miss you.

I wish I had a chance to say goodbye.



Waiting for the door to open.

Waiting for my return to the world
of users
and problems
and moving
and children
and reality

I so looked forward to this.

Why am I disappointed?

Is it because you checked out early?

Your sweaty body pressed to the glass.
Sweating bottles of water
the only thing
giving off more liquid
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:3:00 pm service to Chicago
Time:10:02 am.
3:00 pm service to Chicago

Riding the rails of industrialization
A world fully consisting of
a mass of heartbeats
and spinning magnets.

Some Puerto Rican distillery
making Coca Cola Zero
Coca Cola More Than That.

Ten tons of steel passing to my left
Ten clicks of data passing to my right
There are trees here
although I wonder
if anyone sees them.

She's Wearing Pink
Chit chat chattering away
A ThinkPad that looks used
and abused
and dragged like an old teddy bear
Looking up
Every mile
Attempting to feign humanity
but when she looks back down
she only sees pixels
and then I know
that she's been taken too.

Just like me.

The north side rising
Asking me to stay
or to leave in the wake
Risen trunks
give way to rising steel
and hardened earth
Sadness and despair
Happiness in Slavery
on into the city
where no one smiles from their heart
and everyone is alone.

This is my home.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, July 26th, 2008

Subject:For the sake of posting...
Time:2:56 am.
...an old piece that has gathered far too much dust. I enjoy reading it from time to time and it's easier to get to here than in a myspace blog.


Not entirely sure
what to say
that can give the events
of today
any meaning.

A milestone passed.
Two cigars inhaled
Two movies watched
A shaker of martini devoured
like a flower without water

A look around town
reveals the sickness
refusing to die
refusing to leave
Keep Austin Weird
slid over
to make room
for Dull.

Home calls
and it beckons
and I yearn to answer
with presence and energy
and connection
with family

but that family in hope
in love and persistence
keeps me hidden
and shady
giving love
from a distance

What would it give me
to give that away
to trade solitude
for the presence
of those
that expect
their sickness
to spread
to me
and my kin
Their contagion
so sweet
and uncomfortable

Yet I'm ready to give
and receive in return
the mother
and sister
and brother
I need
The cousin
and sister-in-law
they deserve
Terrified as it makes me
to abandon
my shelter

a short but sweet distance
enough to create
the coccoon that shields me
from love underfelt
do we stay
do we go
compromise in the cards
something I've
never been
a fan of.

What do I have
and with whom do I share it
who is entitled
and who pays a price.
family is more
than just blood types and trees
its loving
its caring
its shelter
its hope

am I?
to bear these emotions
my mirror begins
to break with the weight
as older I get
lonelier I become
and i see
as this
exquisite curse
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Time:2:13 am.

the music that makes
me think of other people
brings me around to us.

I'm already dreading
missing you.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:...because she deserves it...
Time:12:58 am.
...left all alone
in an empty house
she's the strong
the stoic
the pleasingly pale

hell hath no fury
like red hair and a smile
a soft word and a laugh
bring me rescue and love

my past at her side
whispering thoughts
of a voice
of all voices
and a fashionable skill
at another's expense

arrival too late
but timed perfectly
would have led to

of which there is none now.

The past continues to plague,
but she is the now
through the cold steel she sits on
and the language of pleasantries
I never imagined
that I would receive
comes a companion
I'd laugh with
solely because she laughed

and I will continue
to contribute my smile
and to wish the bliss
of life and love
and friendship
upon her
because she deserves it.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, July 7th, 2008

Subject:I want to think I hear you...
Time:10:34 pm.
I want to know...

I want to be next to you...

I want to feel when you shift, forcing me to shift too.

I want to turn off the lights.

I want to listen to the rain.

I want to hear you breathe.

I want to close my eyes.

I want to reach to find your hand.

I want to find peace.

I want to find calm.

I know you're out there.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, June 28th, 2008

Subject:Minne to the apolis...
Time:1:22 pm.
I'm about to take my wife, daughter, mom and dad to a barbecue to meet my birth family.

You think you know stress?

I'm wondering if it's going to be a sappy tear-filled experience or just incredibly awkward.

Either way, it should be interesting and somewhat warming to see my birth mom and adoptive mom meet...even if neither has ended up meaning too much to me.

Sometimes I just wish I could've started with a normal family...but the grass is always greener. What *is* a normal family, anyway?
Comments: Add Your Own.

LiveJournal for REMcycle.

View:User Info.
View:Website (Some of my artwork.).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.